Pothead Prognostications - NFL Week #17 (Th-Th-Th-That’s All Folks!)

It doesn’t matter if I usually get only 2 or 3 picks right in the weekly football pool, or if my fantasy football teams suck major league wienie, or if I have nothing better to do than write blogs on FoxSports. What matters is this -  let me just light this up here and . . . (cough, cough). What was I saying? Oh yeah, without further ado, here are my predictions of how Week #17 in the NFL will unfold as the teams march towards the goal of obtaining the coveted Guy Lombardo trophy.

POTHEAD PROGNOSTICATIONS WEEK #17

Redskins – 13   Giants – 7   The most amazing thing happens when the G-Men lose the game but still manage to squeak into the play-offs because the League chooses the wild card winners using sissy boy mathematician Blaise Pascal’s “Probability Theory”, which means that almost everyone (except for the Raiders, of course) probably will make it to the play-offs.

Jets – 17   Raiders – 0   Wow! The Jets, who were left for dead at the beginning of the season, will slay all the nay-sayers and make it to the play-offs if they win and the Jags, Bengals, Browns, Ravens, Patriots, Utah Jazz, Valley Stream South High Falcons and New Jersey Devils lose.

Ravens – 27   Bills – 20   The Bills lose, go 4 and 12 on the season and yet still manage to make it to the play-offs by using famed mathematician Sir Isaac Newton’s “Binomial Theorem” coupled with a win by the Dolphins and Jets and losses by the Texans, Broncos, and Greg “The Fossilman” Raymer during the World Series of Poker.

Packers – 24   Bears – 23   Ol’ Brett Farve eeks out a win against Da Bears and gets the Pack into the play-offs as a wild card thanks again to Newton’s ‘Binomial Theorem’, prompting the puzzled old warrior to ask reporters at a post game news conference “We made the play-offs?  Doesn’t our team still suck? And what the hell is a ‘Binomial Theorem’ anyhow?”

Bengals – 31   Steelers – 20    After losing to the Bungles and being eliminated from the play-offs, Coach Bill Cowher goes off at a post game news conference and rails against the NFL for using Newton’s ‘Binomial Theorem’ to determine wild card winners. “This is bull crap. Everyone knows Newton was a theorem stealing pussy. The only true way to determine a wild card winner would be to use the methods of the manly mathematician, Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz” said the jut-jawed coach before storming off in disgust.   

Cowboys – 47   Lions – 3    The Lions get blown out again, end up with a lousy 2-14 record, and still make the play-offs as a wild card after team lawyers sue the league charging them of “discriminatory and anti-inclusionistic actions” against the Detroit Lions just because they suck and never make the play-offs.

Browns – 16   Texans – 9    With the play-off picture in complete disarray, Commissioner Roger Goodell steps in to announce that the league will abandon the ‘Binomial Theorem’ and begin to use the “Gaussian Distribution Curve” developed by mathematician Johann Carl Friedrich Gauss to determine wild card winners. Amazingly, by using the “Gaussian Curve” both the bumbling Brownies and terrible Texans squeak into the play-offs.

Dolphins – 28   Colts – 14    New Dolphins QB Chet Lemon, the illegitimate son of a gay tryst between Harlem Globetrotter Meadowlark Lemon and former Yankee’s manager Bob Lemon, leads the Stinky Fish to an improbable win and gets them to the play-offs on a wild card bid thanks to the “Gaussian Curve” and losses by the Texans, Steelers and Vancouver Canucks.

Chiefs – 22   Jaguars – 10    KC Coach Spermin’ Herman Edwards pays no attention to the game as he stands on the side lines looking befuddled trying to figure out how the Chiefs got into the play-offs. “I can’t even tell time” the Coach tells side line reporter Suzy Kolber, “How the heck am I supposed to figure out this here Gaussian Curve thing? This is tougher than Soduku.”

Rams – 13   Vikings – 7    Since every team is now making the play-offs as a wild card (except the Raiders, obviously) due to the leagues use of the “Gaussian Curve”, league commissioner Roger Goodell holds a press conference to say, “We are scraping the ‘Gaussian Curve’ method and will instead adopt the old school methods of Euclid of Alexandria and use ‘Euclidian Geometry’ to find a parallel postulate and wild card winner effective immediately”. Thanks to the new Euclidian method, both the Vikings and Ramses make the play-offs despite losing records.

Saints – 14   Panthers – 10   Carolina Coach John Fox is livid with the Commish and the League after losing and getting knocked from the play-offs. “How can we not be in the play-offs?” the coach asked incredulously. “Everyone picked us to win the Super Bowl this year, we have to get into the play-offs. Obviously, the league is run by buffoons because if they truly wanted to use an old school method to figure out who gets in as a wild card then the only logical solution would be to incorporate the plane equilibriums and circle measurements of Archimedes of Syracuse.”  

Eagles – 21   Falcons – 19   The game is marred when Donovan McNabb’s mama attacks Eagles QB Jeff Garcia as he runs from the tunnel and pelts him with cans of Campbell’s Chunky Soup as she screams out ‘You get back on that bench where you belong.” The attack continues until she is dragged away by stadium security officials. On a happy note, the Eagles win gets them into the play-offs and the Falcons also squeak in because of losses by the Panthers, Vikings, Bucs and L.A. Clippers.

Seahawks – 34   Buccaneers – 16    Seattle Coach Mike Holmgren goes nuts after winning the game but missing the play-offs due to the new ‘Euclidian Geometry” method of determining wild card winners. “How can a crappy team like Tampa lose and still make the play-offs and not us? This ‘Euclidian’ thing just sucks. Seattle gets no respect from this league.” When a reporter asked the coach if Seattle was part of the US or Canada he stormed off muttering something about taking the team to the CFL next season.

Titans – 23   Patriots – 21   The Titties win! The Titties win! Theeeeeeeeee Titties win! Not that I really care that much, it’s just that I love yelling out “Titties” over and over again. So on that note, the Titties win! The Titties win! Theeeeeeeeee Titties win!  And to top it off, both them and the Paits make it to the play-offs. Go Titties , Go!

49ers – 21   Broncos – 10   The Niners win and get in. The Broncos lose and get busted, which prompts Denver Coach Mike Shannahan to spit out his false choppers while ranting against the league. “This is ludicrous! Euclid? Archimedes? I mean what millennium are we living in? It’s obvious that the league is full of dunderheads because there is only one right way to figure out who gets into the play-offs and that’s by using mathematician Rene Decartes simple “Cartesian Plane”. It’s so simple that any dummy could figure out who the wild cards are while enabling algebraic representation to geometry”.

Chargers – 24   Cardinals – 7   Commissioner Roger Goodell is furious about the play-off shenanigans and issues an edict stating: All NFL teams (except for the Raiders, of course) shall be required to use an official NFL licensed Ouija Board to determine who actually makes it to the play-offs this season. The results of the Ouija Board are binding, irrefutable and inedible and shall be taken most seriously or else I’ll punch you in the nose, scumbag.

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Posted by: youbetcha | 09-04-2007 | 07:09 AM
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