Pothead Playoff Prognostications - Pt. 1
POTHEAD PLAYOFF PROGNOSTICATIONS – PT. 1
It seems television puppet heads, lousy sportswriters, Peter Schrager, the Indian lady at Dunkin’ Donuts and anyone with more than two alcoholic drinks in them will tell you who they think is eventually going to be the Super Bowl Champs this year and why. I say none of their opinions matter because what matters is this - let me just light this up here and . . . cough, cough . . . what was I saying? Oh yeah. What matters is that I’m going to offer my pothead predictions of how the play-offs will unfold from here on out and who will ultimately win the coveted Guy Lombardo trophy.
WILDCARD WEEKEND – AFC
Colts – 42 Chiefs – 31 The Colts romp all over the Chiefs for the first half because KC Coach Spermin’ Herman Edwards didn’t know what time it was and he was sitting in his hotel room with all the play books watching ‘Match Game 74’ re-runs on the Game Show Network. Luckily during a commercial, the coach started channel surfing and saw the Colts-Chiefs game on TV with his team losing 35 to 3 with two minutes remaining in the half. “Aw shucks, I’m gonna be late again” the flummoxed Edwards said before he ran like the dickens from his hotel to the stadium, making it there before the start of the 3rd. So with a soft Indy defense in a very obliging mood and KC RB LJ raring to go with actual plays, the Chiefs come back from the dead as LJ scores 4 times but it’s too little too late. Indy QB Peyton Manning leads the Colts to a late scoring drive that ices the cake and sends them on their way to an inevitable loss in the AFC Championship game two weeks from now. After the game, Spermin’ Herman told reporters, “I know we lost because I don’t know how to tell time, but I’ll tell you this – that there Charles Nelson Reilly dude on Match Game is one of the funniest guys I ever heard in my life. He so crazy. He must be a real ladies man.”
Jets – 24 Patriots – 16 The student becomes the master and the master has a complete temper tantrum, hissy fit as the J-E-T-S continue their surprising season and knock off the Paits in the first round. NE Coach Bill Belichick started melting down in the 4th with his team down 21 to 16 by throwing play books, snotty, used tissues and the back wash from his Gatorade at assistants and players and screaming out from across the sidelines that NY Coach Eric Mangini was a “loser and a big fatty, fat fatso”. With time running out, the Jets hammer the final nail into the Paits coffin when PK Mike Nugent nails a 45 yarder and seals the game. Belichick’s face is bright red and steam is billowing from his ears as the game ends and the Jets win and he goes to bolt right past Mangini without shaking his hand. When Mangini mutters “sore loser” under his breath, Belichick whirls back like a dervish and throws his cup of Gatorade in Mangini’s face and grabs him in a headlock before they both tumble to the ground. Amazingly, Mangini lands on top of Belichick and starts knocking the crap out of him like Ralphie beating up the bully Scott Fargus from ‘A Christmas Story’ before several Jets players pull him away. Belichick slowly gets up from the turf bloodied and crying with the help of some Paits assistants, but pushes them away harshly, spits at Jets RB Leon Washington then runs off the field yelling out, “I’ll get you, Mangini, you big smelly fat fatso. Waaaaahhhhhhhhhh!” with tears streaming down his face. About two hours after the game, Belichick is arrested on charges of criminal mischief when he is caught by stadium security in the parking lot spray painting “Mangini Bites The Big Wienie” on the walls of Giants Stadium.
WILDCARD WEEKEND – NFC
Seahawks – 63 Cowboys – 9 The Cowboys just can’t do anything right as the ‘Hawks romp all over the field for sixty minutes, sack Dallas QB Tony Romo 26 times, return 3 interceptions for TD’s and laugh hardily as they watch loudmouth Cowboy WR T.O. drop pass after pass. The end result of this would be, of course, Seattle wins the game and T.O. flips out and starts screaming at everyone on the Dallas sideline about how much they suck. T.O. then strips down to his reveal a pair of Philadelphia Eagles underwear, kicks RB Marion Barber III in the shin and sucker punches owner Jerry Jones before ingesting a bottle of hydrocodone pills, a bottle of all natural supplements, and a bottle of Flintstones chewable vitamins. T.O. then starts foaming at the mouth and does 500 sit-ups until he passes out like Britney Spears at a New Years Eve party from all the pills. As T.O. lays in an unconscious state, angry teammates surround him, fold him in half, stuff him in a Fed Ex box and ship his black ass off to the Detroit Lions. When the package arrives at the Lions main office three days later, dimwit Detroit GM Matt Millen opens the box and excitedly exclaims “Wow! A malcontent, injury-prone, loudmouth wide receiver who drops a lot of passes! It’s just what we need to take it to the next level! Look out for the Lions in 2008!”
Giants – 26 Eagles – 23 Old codger Giants Coach Tom Coughlin pulls out all the dirty tricks from up his sleeve to steal the game away from the high flying Eagles. At a post game news conference the sly old fart reveals to reporters some of his secrets to beating a superior team. “Hey, I knew we had no chance of winning legitimately, so I started off by sneaking into their locker room and putting up pictures of naked guys in Garcia’s locker, to keep those rumors going. Then I glued their playbooks together, put raw chop meat in their jocks, took a dump in Westbrook’s shoes and sewed on ‘I’m A Big Homo’ over top of their names on their jerseys.” the snickering coach said. “But the piece de resistance”, the old fogy continued between giggles, “Had to be when I drew a picture of Reid on their chalkboard that had him looking like a retarded Porky Pig saying ‘Duh! Th-th-that’s all folks!’ He really does look like Porky Pig, right? I wish you could’ve seen it, you would laugh your nuts off, but I bet the fat pansy erased it already. Damn, that still cracks me up.”
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Basketball Basquetbol ??, ????
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Basketball
Posted by: youbetcha | 12-18-2007 | 07:12 AM
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